One of the most common questions that people ask me is, “How is it that your children get along so well? Another common comment, “They love each other openly, they are affectionate, and they help one another with a loving attitude!”
Does this happen naturally? NO!!! Quite the opposite! There are so many things attached to this subject/question. So many factors are involved in achieving harmony between family members. I will share some of the things that I see as the root issues in our household and the solutions that I have found along the way to keeping harmony in the relationships under our roof.
Some of the factors that I have observed in the problem of discord within family relations are:
The relationship between parents, level of stress due to the obligations of busy households, the amount of time spent with children, the amount of time the children actually get to spend together, general miscommunication due to personality differences…just to name a few. We have found that children pick up on the tensions of the household more than we can believe!
Family discord and sibling rivalry is the most ancient battle. Battles for power between siblings is nothing new. This battle starts way back…the first negative interaction recorded in the Biblical history of Genesis is the “blame game” between Adam and Eve. Then a few chapters later we have the account of their first two children the result of jealousy between brothers ending in murder! This was not and is not an isolated problem, this is a humanity problem. You see this pattern reflected in the examples we have of Greek and Roman mythology depicting the best and the worst of humanity and the fight for power between siblings and lovers. Harmony between family members and loving relationships are a battle worth fighting. It is a battle that I often fight in prayer. I pray for help because my human reasoning will often get in the way of a deeper issue and I rely on the Holy Spirit to help me delicately handle the spirit and soul of each family member involved. So often the real fight is not what it appears to be on the surface.
This is a place of prayer and intentionally reminding the kids and myself WHY it is crucial for us to work hard on “getting along”.
I also pray for this aspect of our lives very specifically; that the redemption power of what has been done for us would wash over us. If we have a particularly bad run with a couple kiddos really at each others throats, I make them take a moment to look one another in the eye and say two things that they really appreciate about that sibling such as a character trait or attribute that makes them special. This exercise often brings tears to both parties and either reconciliation or the root of the bickering gets exposed. This often leads to another layer or so of sifting through verbal offenses…etc. I am sure this may sound tedious and exhausting! Who has time for this stuff? Nobody. But you MUST make time!!! The time is now! It is the best use of time in the world. Tend to the relationships within your household. It is your garden of heritage, with a great and lasting harvest.
A few practical notes:
*From the time the children are very small we teach them the pattern of, “I am sorry for X (looking the person in the eye), please forgive me” and, ” I forgive you for X”. Followed by a hug. We have a little bit of a window of grace for the forgiveness party. They get to say, “I am working on it.” However, this can get a bit overused, and you have to have the memory to follow up and make sure that there is closure. The other bit about this interaction is if I sense that there is still bitterness after the initial reconciliation, I ask why. Why the “stink eye”, or rolled eyes, or heavy sigh? Sometimes there is a real issue that needs to be addressed beyond this incident.
*I also have had a lot of conversation with my kiddos about the need to work as a team. We are what we have. At the end of the day you have each other, that is it. We cannot be against one another. As they have gotten older it has been a battle to stay out of the sarcasm zone. The word sarcasm actual means to tear apart and we have found that it can be a very slippery slope to non-communication “communication”. This is not to say that we don’t enjoy a little good hearted fun at one another’s’ expense, but we only allow it to go just so far.
*Another portion that is really important to remember in family relationships is that we are all different. This is something that I felt prompted to pray into early on in our parenting journey. We, each of us, have differences to celebrate. That is what makes humanity so very interesting and wonderful! It’s easy to pick on each other and be annoyed with the things we don’t understand. This is something I will write about on a more personal level in another blog post. However, in this context it is important to focus in on the fact that much of the miscommunication within family relationship is just that, miscommunication. Within the sibling relationship we get to practice the art of communication. If we can master successful and kind communication with the people within our family nucleus, then we can take on the world!!!
* BEDTIME! It can be the most exhausting part of the day, however, I have found in our house that the grievances of the day come forth in the dark of night. I encourage any parent to save a little energy from the day for this moment. Sometimes it’s just pure craziness and they need to be told that sleep is more important. But some really special times of connection and relational life issues have been effectively and sweetly addressed in this precious time for me and the relationship with my children.