I was taking a shower one day when suddenly someone came bursting through the bathroom door slamming drawers and making a racket. I peeked out of the shower to see Lou, my oldest all red faced and tear streaked, hurt and pain in her eyes. Oh no… what to do? I called out, “what’s going on?” She burst out, “Beana (the next sister in the lineup, 2 years younger) is better at everything! She is better at piano and math, running….EVERYTHING! She is better than me no matter how hard I try! Not to mention that her panties don’t even make a line!” Lou was 9 years old at the time and I was not surprised at this outburst because I had had a feeling that she had been feeling threatened by her sister over the past few months. I was not however, prepared for the body image awareness and obvious distress of knowing that her physique was not quite like sisters, down to the panty line issue!
I stood in the shower for a minute feeling the weight of this situation and asked God for wisdom to handle this broken and hurting place in Lou’s heart. I also was instantly angry that the Enemy had come in and was already in the hot pursuit of my babies’ self-image.
I can’t remember my opening statement, and I wish I could but what I do remember saying is this:
“You are right Lou, and I can understand your frustration in this. However, it is crucial for you to understand that in this moment you have a choice. You can choose to be bitter and angry – walking around injured, or you can decide that today you will choose forgiveness. If you choose forgiveness you will be released to be the best that you can be. Today you must decide to DO your best, instead of trying to BE the best. Do the things that bring you joy, even if you’re not perfect at it. Find your niche in your daily tasks and put your best Lou stamp on it! The truth is that you are very talented, but your flare will always look different than Beana’s .”
Now during this speech I had finished my shower and stepped out. I continued to talk, all fired up and focused on the task of this moment. Standing side by side in front of the mirror, I asked Lou to take a good look at herself in the mirror.
I continued,
“The enemy would love to lie to you and tell you that you are not beautiful, smart, talented, loved, and a whole bunch of other lies. But you are going to have to choose to silence these lies. You were made in the image of God! He has designed you to have a very specific set of talents and ways to shine that not any other person past, present, or future will ever have. Don’t let anything or anyone steal this portion from you.”
We stood side by side and I had her say these words,
“I am made in the image of God. I am talented. I am beautiful. I refuse to listen to the lies that tear me down!”
There were lots of tears, of course, because this can be a really hard exercise.
The funny part is this, ( and I hope you can appreciate the humor) as I came to the end of my second passionate speech on Lou’s worth, I took a second to look at myself and realized that I was still in my b-day suit – indeed just as the day I was born! It hadn’t even crossed my mind while we were having this very serious talk that I was in such a state! I am sure she will never forget it!!! Yikes!
After we had a little giggle and I got over the humor of me standing in my b-day suit while giving my daughter the self-worth talk of the century, I realized that I had some work to do. I needed to stop complaining about my physique. I needed to be honest with myself and clean up my own body image language…. especially since my oldest takes after my side of the family! I asked Lou’s forgiveness for not being a good example in this area.
The rest of what we talked about that day was the practical: some people, like Beana, are born with tight skin, muscle tone, and core strength that the rest of us must work a little harder for. We need to be healthy. We need to take care of our vessels but not be obsessed with an image…etc.
This was the first of a series of talks from mom and dad on this subject, reinforcing the same core truths. Little by little Lou really started to own it. I can happily say that she has become a very confident 14-year-old little woman. I marvel at the lady she is becoming and I am challenged to be my best when I see her navigate younger siblings, when she takes on challenging school assignments, and attacks dance with such strength and grace straight from her heart, or kick boxing with great gusto! I am so thankful to know this fine young lady!
Over the years I have had people comment on the peace in our home, how I seem to parent from a place of peace, and host from a place of peace. I am so thankful and humbled by these compliments. I honestly have had to really evaluate what makes the atmosphere in our home, what sets the tone. After some time of introspection, I think I have it boiled down to prayer, time, time, time, and time.
I pray every day that our home would be a place of peace. I specifically ask the Spirit of the Lord Jesus to come and fill our home, to fill each one of us so that we will be able to have the grace to navigate the day, and that we would have extra to give to one another. I believe first and foremost that this act of inviting the Spirit to come is where the truest portion of peace comes from.
And then we have TIME…deep breath…I am so thankful for the gift of time. The more I live the more I appreciate time with my children, husband, family, and friends. When it comes to the subject of “peace in the home”, I will share a few things about what taking time affords for those who take it seriously. Life is short and the time spent with our little people is even shorter. I encourage us as parents to realize this.
I feel like what our children are crying out for is just time, specifically quality time. I do understand that time is a luxury item. But I really believe that when it is something we know to fight for and when we realize the importance and the value of time, we realize truly what a treasure it is.
(1) Meals together: There is a great deal of study that has been devoted to this subject of families eating meals together. There are so many positive things that occur in this simple act. Not just having food in the same general area of the house while each person is reading, watching the news, catching up on email or texting…etc. Instead, I’m referring to sitting at the dining room table and actually dining, having dinner conversation, and looking each other in the eye. We try to accomplish this at our house at least 2 times a day. At the breakfast table I try to ask each of the children if they slept well, what they dreamt about, and what they are looking forward to for the day. Over the years, I have loved this time with the younger kids as they have absurd, scary, or sometimes very profound dreams to share. I feel like this is the beginning stages for the younger ones in communicating what is in their brain and putting thoughts and pictures to words. I don’t use this time to correct their grammar unless I sense that they are in a place to handle the correction and still able to complete a thought. I also use this time to gently enforce table manners.
We like to have even the youngest member of the family as close to the table as possible so they are present for meal times since they learn just by observing the mealtime processes. I know a lot of people put their youngest children to bed even before dinner time. While I understand that putting the youngest to be before dinner offers the rest of the family a short break, I do not believe that it results in the best long term outcomes. If you take a few moments to help little ones understand simple table manners it makes peace at the table. When you are invited for dinner at someone’s house or you are trying to enjoy holiday meals, the children are not put into an unfamiliar situation for which they have no experience. Its kind of cruel to just expect our kids to behave at the table when it is completely foreign territory. Take time to practice at home and enjoy food with your children. I guarantee the food struggle will diminish.
Dinner time is usually when we are all together so we use it as a time to ask about the day. We try to take one night a week usually on a weekend night to express to each of the children what we are proud of them for or something special about them. It is s really sweet tradition and you can see their spirits just drink it in. Sometimes dinner time is the only time for Dale and I to catch up on the business part of life. In this case we often have to ask the kids to just be quiet for a few while we work on logistics. It’s not ideal, but I don’t think that it is all bad for the kids to hear adults working out and coming to solutions for life, or politics, or work issues. They learn from this as well.
On this note, however, there are a few ground rules for mom and dad to! No fighting at the table! This is totally off limits as well as other negative talks regarding bad grades, or behavioral things that may need to be addressed. These are things that need to happen somewhere other than the dinner table so as to keep the time positive. Negative interactions while people are eating or hearing negative information can really mess up the digestive process and cause negative outcomes such as bulimia and anorexia. So, enjoy your food together!
Quality time with Dad
(2) Quality Time: I am sure we have all heard the ads on the radio about spending quality time with our kids. I think that it is a great message, I am just sad that the world has come to a place where we need to hear this reminder on the radio. Our society is so wound up that we need an amusing or sobering advertisement to bring us back to reality… hmmm…anyway enough of the soap box. I have found that some of the most peaceful days in our house are those when I have to spend the day parenting from the couch due to sickness. The kids satellite from my little spot and I find myself reading books to the little people and having a more conversational style approach with my older ones. Life is just simple and centered on those days. It is not that I would wish to be bed ridden, however it is those days that make me stop and remember what is the most important. Quality time. Slow time. There is a certain peace in the house on quiet days like that.
(3) Availability: This can be a touchy subject and I do not wish to offend anyone. I do feel however upon observation that when children don’t feel like their parents or caregivers are available that there is such a lack of peace. I have specifically chosen to not have a career outside of the home. My husband and I made this commitment early in our marriage and the Lord has blessed it. We chose this life because I didn’t want to have to choose my career over my children even for one day of their existence.
This is a mindset that was passed on to me by my late mother. She and my dad had made a deal. If she wanted a career, then they would not have children. If they were going to have children she was not going to have a career outside of the home. Even if they had to live in a tent due to their single income they were committed to this concept. Well, obviously, they chose to have children. We did have financial hardships, but I am so thankful for the time that my mom was determined to spend with us. I am now a second generation stay-at-home mom and I am so thankful, as I do understand that in many cases this is not possible. I feel that much of the peace in our home is due to the fact that I get to focus – I am not split in mind, heart, or energy. The kids feel this. Kids know when they are not a high priority. When children feel second rate there is a breakdown in the communication and harmony of parent child relationship. I am not saying that there is absolutely no way for there to be peace within family relations unless the mother is at home. But I do know that the path is very difficult to maintain and it takes a GREAT DEAL of determination and intentionality.
(4) Listening: This could be a subcategory of availability, but I’ve set it apart because it is slightly different. I know lots of stay at home moms that should have plenty of time to listen to their children, but don’t know how to listen, or don’t really want to listen to them. I watched so many parent/teen relationships get blown to bits while I was growing up. These were good people trying to keep their children from making bad choices. So, what went wrong? They hadn’t created a platform for communication by taking the time and energy to listen, that is really listen to the rhythm of their kids earlier in their lives. What a tragedy. Each one of my soon to be adults are sooooo different! It takes time – time spent talking, observing, and navigating thought patterns. This is an area that my mom had mastered!!! She was focused on the one on one moments (in fact, if she would have chosen a career she would have been a very successful physiologist/therapist of some sort!). I really thought that the whole world communicated this way until I hit adolescence and all my peers started asking me questions and talking with me about things that “they would never talk to their parents about”. I was shocked! In my mind, my PEERS were the last people I would talk to about “things”. Starting from the moment our babies breathe dry air we purpose to LISTEN. Their communication starts out as different cries for different needs. Learning to listen to them is the foundation of raising an adult who cares and who listens to his fellow man. When children feel listened to there is peace because they feel loved and this creates the foundation for a successful life.
(5) Law and Order: OOOH man! Another land mine subject! Without law, there is no order, without order there is no peace. This is a very broad and deep subject. To spank or not to spank, time out, solitary confinement, grounding, eliminating toys or privileges….the list goes on and so does the controversy. I mostly adhere to the Dr. James Dobson approach to parenting mixed in with lots of other methods. I do not use time outs except for on very rare occasions. I have found that the main thing to keep as a goal when dealing with disciplinary action of any sort is to execute it in love and to be consistent. To make sure that there is an understanding of the offense and the disciplinary action and that there is a follow through on the heart and that your child knows that they must ask for forgiveness for “X” and that they are forgiven. As parents we can become so distracted in life that we forget what our boundaries really are. Things get wild and chaotic and we forget that we are actually the only ones who can calm the storm! This is not something that our children will rise to the occasion for! I find that when I am at my wits end its my own fault. When the peace is nonexistent in our household it’s my/our fault. I have let my boundaries as a parent slip and slide until they are unrecognizable. That’s when I pray and then address the root issues between siblings, or between my children and me, that’s when I have to look at where I have not been consistent in my parenting. Consistency in boundaries brings peace because children are checking, testing, and pushing to learn the boundaries. Children need boundaries and without them they can’t experience peace in their hearts.
